Hidden Swimming Pools, french maidens, demons, and hot British boys
by cambo2333
Summary: Happy f-ing birthday to you, margret
1. Chapter 1

_dedicated to Maggie, who is not a basic bitch. _

The girl with the blond hair pushed through the thick brambles of France. "Goooodddd damn it," she sang, pushing through the forest, surprisingly in an english accent, not a french one from the french revolution era (18th century? bitch you don't actually expect me to do the research, do you?). She was going to meet her torrid lover, whom she had only seen once. Then she had sung a beautiful, boring Amanda Seyfried-esqué musical number. Her daddy had said, "awww hell no we gotta get away from this frenchie and also this guy I knew when I was a slave is chasing me down." Deep down inside, Amanda-girl knew that her weird father guy and Jean Vel John were really endgame. She longed for a world where she could ship her favorite characters her father and his lover. She made wooden sketches of them making out, because that was who she was. Secretly, she sang "oh, why doesn't anyone understand? The pain I go thuuu forr my OTPeeeeeeee!"

"Yo, watch it blondie."

"Oh my lover!"

"WTF bitch all ma friends died get away from me. Leave me alone wit ma **CHAIRS"** (Chuck and Blair FTW.)

So blondie ran and ran and screamed and she sang and she made it all the way to Britain. She was just about to throw herself off a bridge when suddenly she gets hit by a mega beef taco in the chest and falls back off of the ledge.

"Oy, love! That was my **one **and only **taco**!" He looked her up and down. His smile was like a brightness of a different culture, of a different time. One where her fangirling was acceptable. "lemme just check on my iphone to see where the closest cheap motel- uh, I mean, Taco Bell- is."

"whaaaattt the heeeckkk is an iphoooneee?!"

"oy, love, do you always talk like that? Because I don't really love that **one thing** about you, dear."

"yeah sorry I'll stfu. But what's an iphone?"

"a waste of your time"

"no but for realz you stupid brat wtf is it"

"calm yo tiz french fry. It's a thing you can use to look at tumblr"

Her eyes shone like the ghosts of her future, all the wasted moments she would spend trying to get gif-sets to load on a slow 3G connection.

"neat-o burito"

"no not buritos tacos you stupid bitch wtf do you think this a Taylor Swift vip tent"

"who dat sexy chick?"

"Oh, that's my **one **true love, Margret." He shines a glossy-magazine smile, one that might be on your crazy roomate's posters, "But this American bloke named Darren Criss is already screwing her silly. That bastard. Heard he's a hottie, tho."

"so you dtf?" asked blondie

"nah I have a boyfriend named Louis at hogwarts."

"he sound like a total hottie. We gotta get back to hogwarts"

_to be continued_


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter 2: Ho-warts here we come_

They got on a big train to go to hogwarts. Draco Malfoy was dancing sensously on the table because that's the only thing you can do with a pigfarts education. Blondie gave him a 10 and whats his face gave him a 20. Malfoy was all like "bitch please those are american dollars I have no use for those. Also, I am unsure of my sexuality." 1D boy was all like "damn boy you hottt but I looove louis"

so on the train all these bitches by crying all like "the series is not over not over nooooo". But the blondie cassete was all like "you dummies yes it is get ova yo self".

So all the potterheads started poking her with their wand sticks and now she is bruised.

But the taco boy was all protective of her (at this point in the story, class, do you ship casette and **one** boy?)

"Awww helll nawww"

He smiled at them, and that was the point in history when all the potterheads found a new fandom: the directionators (or whatever the fuck they're called I don't really give a rats ass except that they are really hot not the directionalators I mean 1d haha I bet they're called 1d because they all share a dick)

Then cassate-tape and gay boy ran from the train and straight into the big-ass castle. It smelled of roasted turkey and spearmint toothpaste. She was really hungry because she's a fat ass.

"Yo dude I want some food"

"aww hell no you blighter I don't think that's a good idea"

"bitch I will eat your face I am so damn hungray"

"oh no"

So she started licking his face and biting his lip super sexually (smut rating lol)

"I am a canibaalll but not like windingo but more like kesha lol. I actually just ate a cake and I'm not hungry. I'm just really horny."

"then why didn't you ask to have sex with malfoy wtf he's such a man slut he would have gone for it"

"Because he's albino lol"

The the one-direction boy louis with the justin bieber hair can in and he started crying.

"NOOOOOOOOOO HARRRYYYY I thought we was gonna be together forever you promised."

Cassete-tape was all like "lol I shot your ship down with a cannon" (but not like an artsy hipster blog cannon camera, like a fangirl cannon)

Harry was all like "bitch please you don't know about the **things we do** I bet louis lane still loves me, righ loius honey baby bear you are mine forever right honey boo?"

Louis responded: "no".

_to be coninued_


	3. Author's Note

**Hey everyone!**

**I just wanted to say thank you for all of your wonderful reviews. It really means the world to me! I just have been so booked my tumblr is so out of control! Lol! I know how hard it is waiting, though, my little fans! Cute as a button, every one of you! **

**Don't worry I might have a chapter out soon, it's just yesterday I was busy eating a jar of nutella, lol. And then I watched Gossip Girl with my friend until like, 1:00 am, lol! My favorite scene is where they're all drunk, lol! Just like my roomate, Maggie, lol! And then I petted a cat I've just been so booked. I poked my crush on Facebook and then I played apples to apples! Also, I watched the titanic, lol! **

**But don't worry little sweeties, soon, there might be a new chapter! :* :* xoxo gossip carrot**

**If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask! I love you all!**

**here's my number 1 (781) 452 4077**


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